Be Henpecked to be happy

I have always considered myself a ‘women’s libber’ in a man`s world. I try my best to look after myself for all my personal needs, unlike  most of my  generation who are happy to put their feet up after they return from an outing and order their wives around: “Give me this! Get me that!” Right from my school days, when I returned home and found my mother resting, I would not disturb her and would quietly help myself in the kitchen,

I carried this habit into my married life! Every time we had a party at home, I not only helped my wife in planning the menu but also bought  the vegetables required and cut them suitably to help her save time. While she was busy cooking I would take out the dinner set, clean them  and lay the table for the party. At dinner time, I would be  busy running between the kitchen and the dining table, ensuring the continuous supply of items. After dinner, I  would clear up all the glasses and plates left all over the house by the guests.

Even  on a daily basis, I used to  help my wife in planning the menu, buying vegetables and cutting them, in the process save her a good 60 minutes of valuable time in the morning, or so I thought. But a statement she made about 25 years ago-complaining that while the men have Sundays and other public holidays to relax, a woman is bonded to the kitchen for 365 days of the year looking after the husband and children-made me think again! I decided to help. I became a Sunday Cook and told my wife proudly that from then on she could take rest on Sundays.

But would she rest? No! The workaholic that she was, on Sundays she would find some other household chores to do and continue to complain about her plight. The understanding husband that I was supposed to be, I decided to help her in the kitchen, even on other week days!

That is when all hell broke loose! Instead of appreciating my initiative she blasted me for entering the kitchen without her permission. If I bought some groceries which I found missing from the kitchen shelves, she would scream at me for my unnecessary intrusion into her ‘domain’. If I gave her some ideas about how I would like certain items made (I am an avid ‘foodie’ as you can judge from my girth), she would shout, “Don’t teach me how to cook! I know how to make it. Do I interfere in your office

matters? Will you tolerate if I tell you how to run your business?” The admonishment would go on till the afternoon if I stayed on in the house!

Sundays were the days when I would get the maximum firing! Not only for the mess I made in the kitchen, (so she said, but I believed that though I am a messy cook, I always cleaned up the kitchen to the best of my abilities before I handed  it back to her) but also for the ‘unnecessary’ things I bought  from the nearby supermarket!

“You just go on buying things . . . I have to find a place to store them, maintain them. Do you ever consider the trouble I have to take to maintain this house? Blah . . . blah . . . ” she would scream.

       Did  I learn my lessons? No, of course not! I continued to irritate my wife every day for some reason or the other! You see, I realised that I was doing whatever I was doing at home because I was enjoying doing them..

My advice to all the wives of my friends, who used to feel jealous of my wife because she had such an understanding and helpful husband used to be: “Please think! Would you really be happy to have a husband who meddles in your kingdom every day? Remember, the grass always look greener on the other side!”

To all those lazy husbands who consider me a lousy example to follow, please don’t, because from long experience, I have realised that no wife would like her ‘kingdom’ to be invaded by her husband. So relax, the next time you feel too lazy to go to the dining table to have your meal, ask your wife to come and feed you with a spoon! For all you know she might  enjoy doing it and be proud of the fact that her husband does not even lift a spoon without her help! Better be a ‘henpecked’ husband to be happy!

 P.S. What I miss most about my late wife is the daily admonishments I got for things I did or did not!

Adapted from  my article which appeared in Eves Touch, July 2011.

Bringing up Children in today`s world.

Bringing up children in today’s world is a humongous task for parents. Thanks to the information explosion from the television and Internet, they are smart and knowledgeable about everything. They seem to be clear about what they want and have strong views on every subject. Especially when it comes to the brands of goods that are bought, whether it is a toothpaste or a two-wheeler or even a four-wheeler. It is called ‘kids pester power’ in the advertising world.

When my son-in-law wanted to buy a new car, my 9-year-old grandson did a thorough study of the shortlisted cars and announced that his choice was Honda Jazz. His father had no option but to go for it!

A nephew of mine who is appearing for his Plus Two Board exam is very clear that he is going to study ‘Mechatronics’–a new subject in the Engineering field which allows him to specialize in Robotics when he goes for his Masters degree. He has set his future in Robotics.

 Thanks to the Internet, children do thorough research on any subject that they are interested in and go through all the processes involved–all online–to get what they want. Very often what they want may be contrary to what their parents want them to have–leading to conflicts and tensions in the family. The Parents’ own inadequate knowledge of the subjects may add to the tension. My advice to such parents would be, if your children are clear about what they want and are passionate about something, encourage them to pursue their passion, instead of forcing them to do what you think is right for them.

 If you perceive certain pitfalls in their approach, you are duty bound to advise them and warn them, but allow them to take a well-considered decision so that they take ownership for such decisions and are prepared to face the consequences, if any. If you try this approach, your children will surely shape into confident and focused individuals in life.

 More than 60 years ago, I decided to pursue a career in advertising–when it was a seller’s market and advertising was not even considered a career option. My father allowed me to have my way. A friend had rightly advised him that if your children are clear about what they want, do not interfere. He followed the same strategy with my younger brothers. All of us have done well in life, thoroughly enjoying the careers that we chose. We made our parents proud of us during their lifetime.

 A quote from an article on the subject by Farida Raj in the Hindu some time ago  is relevant here. It reinforces the point I have tried to make on bringing up children. She says, “The parent’s level of emotional acceptance of the child and their resulting attitude towards him/her play a leading role in laying the foundation for the type of personality the child will develop. The attitude of the parents is the most potent conditioning factor in the life of the child”.

 The message I got was that the days of children blindly obeying the parents are gone! If you show enough understanding of their problems, be available to them whenever they want you and learn to trust them, children will respond positively. In other words be a trusted friend to your kids. At least one of the parents should assume that role! If that happens, bringing up children will really be a joy!

( Excerpted from my book `This & That and Then & Now` published in 2013)