Turning Point

Dear All,

My second daughter Sowmya Srinivasan has a blog called www.reinventionstories.wordpress.com, in which she uploads stories of women who have chosen a different path, a midlife change. One of the first stories she uploaded was of her  mother`s; written by Prabha in her inimitable, simple English in which she talks about her early childhood brought up by a single parent (her father passed away when she was 20 days old etc) and how she transformed herself  from  a very shy person who was not at all comfortable in any social circle to be a confident individual willing to take on all types of social responsibilities while finding time to give expressions to her interest in writing, singing, gardening  etc..

What triggered this change? How did it happen? What was the Turning Point? The following article gives you an idea of the unusual circumstances under which Prabha became a writer and how subsequent  events opened up a whole new world to make her a multi-talented, socially active woman who was admired by her friends for her simplicity, commitment to any cause and her childlike enthusiasm for anything she took up. It is  a story of how thinking `out of the box’  sometimes help us come out of very challenging situations. It is also a story of how hidden talent needs to be recognized and encouraged to make the talented persons blossom into confident individuals.

The article is an elaboration of a section of this story which is featured in my autobiography titled `Courage My Companion`. Read on and send me your feedback.

RVR

 It was in 1986 that my parents who were staying in Mumbai with my younger brother, decided to move to Chennai to stay with my family . As the eldest son in the family I was committed to looking after them in their old age and I was happy that I was going to fulfill my commitment.

While I was cruising along steadily on the business front and thought I was doing well on the home front too, I was in for a shock. Two years after my parents came to stay with me; my wife Prabha became strangely unsettled. Often she would be lost in thoughts, irritable and at loggerheads with our three teenage children. Sensing her unhappiness I took her on a short holiday to Kuala Lumpur and Singapore.

But even after we returned her mood fluctuations continued. One night I returned home from a Rotary meeting to find an envelope on the pillow in our bedroom. It contained a 10 page letter to me written by my wife. She had poured her heart out in the letter in which she complained about my mother, accusing me of being a mama’s-boy, listening to my mother more often than I was listening to her. The letter talked about her lack of importance in the family because of her dominating mother-in-law.

This well written letter in Tamil was representative of the typical problems an Indian housewife faces in a joint family system. Though it was very interesting to read, I was shocked. The letter opened my eyes to the realities of my family life and particularly it helped me see my wife in a different light.

I realized that Prabha was suffering from an identity crisis, in spite of the fact that she had everything going for her; a good family, three lovely children, decent living conditions…or so I thought! But she was obviously missing an emotional connect with me

As an advertising man frequently dealing with creative people, I immediately recognized her immense talent for writing in Tamil. I decided to use this knowledge to provide a turning point in her life!

After mulling over the letter for a couple of days, I took it to the Editor of Mangayar Malar, a leading Tamil monthly for women. She was initially reluctant to read the letter as it was a personal letter to me. After some persuasion, she went through it and wondered why I was showing it to her. I asked her if she would like to publish it in her magazine as I believed the letter represented the feelings of thousands of Indian housewives in a joint family system. She agreed that it was hot stuff but insisted on meeting my wife and talking to her before initiating any action.

Later I told my wife what I had done. Though surprised and shocked, she agreed to come with me to see the Editor. After the informal meeting, she agreed to have the letter published as the cover story in the July ’88 issue of the magazine, but under a pen name. Since my mother was also an avid reader of the magazine, my wife  did  not want any trouble at home because of the article.

As a part of my strategy to bring her out of her shell, I took her on a 5-week holiday to USA and Canada carrying a few copies of the magazine, straight out of the press. I could see that the experience of visiting new places and meeting new people was beginning to transform her. In a carefree atmosphere and eating the rich food (loaded with ice-creams!) she even put on some weight!

On our return journey, she penned another article describing her problems with her teenage daughter, which also got published in the same magazine! This led her to try her hand in writing short stories some of which got published in some popular Tamil magazines.

Some friends persuaded her to join the neighborhood Ladies Club and the Inner Wheel Club of Madras South (the Ladies wing of the Rotary Club of which I was a Past President). She took to these organizations like the proverbial `Duck to Water`. She even became the President of the Inner Wheel Club of Madras South within a couple of years. She started learning Carnatic music and joined a few more classes to learn bhajans and devotional music.

While this helped improve her self-esteem and develop an identity of her own as a singer and a dependable social activist (apart from being a great homemaker), she stopped writing because of her pre-occupation with other activities. This made me unhappy. All my persuasive powers to make her continue her writing proved futile. I devised a strategy to revive her interest in writing.

Much against her wishes , I got a collection of her short stories published as a book and launched it on her 59^th Birth Day at a function attended by a few relatives and her friends. My strategy worked. Encomiums and praise for her style of writing started pouring in. Motivated by the wonderful response to her book, she started writing again resulting in two Novellas and a few more short stories within 18 months. These were included in her second book published and released on 27^th July, 2012- (her 61^st Birth Day), by this time, we had already discovered that she was suffering from Cancer. I must record my sincere thanks to Shri Ravi Tamilvanan of Manimekalai Prasuram, a leading Publishing House in Chennai, for going out of his way to have the book published in record time. The fabulous response to her second book in the form of telephone calls and letters from readers of the book provided a good diversion to Prabha from the pain that she was suffering.

I have been known as a “Projects Man” all my life. Helping Prabha come out of her shell and blossom into a multi-talented person that she eventually became turned out to be an ongoing project in my life. Though I provided the turning points, on her part she grabbed all the opportunities that came her way and tried to do well in every role she was asked to play. In the process she endeared herself to many members in the several organizations that she was associated with. The large number of her friends, who turned up to witness her last journey on 5^th Jan.2013, was a testimony to her success as a lovable human being .  Prabha had come a long  way in life and  I was really very proud of her!

I have initiated some action to perpetuate the memory of my wife in my own small way.  That is going to be the next project in my life. I will share the details with well wishers in due course.

Bringing Up Children

Bringing up children in today’s world is a humongous task for parents. Thanks to the information explosion due to television and internet, they are more smart and knowledgeable about everything. They seem to be clear about what they want and seem to have strong views on every subject. Especially when it comes to the brands of household products that are bought, whether it is a toothpaste or a two wheeler or even a four wheeler. It is called `kids pester power` in the advertising world.

When my son-in-law wanted to buy a new car, my 9 year old grand son had done a thorough study of selected cars and announced that his choice was Honda Jazz. His father had no option but to go for it.

A nephew of mine who is appearing for his 12th Board exam is very clear that he is going to study ‘Mechatronics’ – a new subject in the Engineering field which allows him to specialize in Robotics when he goes for his Masters degree. He has set his future in Robotics.

Thanks to the internet the children do a thorough research on any subject that they are interested in and go through all the processes involved – all online – to get what they want. Very often what they want may be contrary to what their parents want them to have – leading to conflicts and tensions in the family. The Parents`own inadequate knowledge on the subjects may add to the tension. My advice to such parents would be, if your children are clear about what they want and are passionate about something, encourage them to pursue their passion. Instead of forcing them to do what you think is right for them.

If you perceive certain pitfalls in their approach, you are duty bound to advise them and warn them but allow them to take a well considered decision so that they take ownership for such decisions and are prepared to face the consequences, if any. If you try this approach your children will surely shape into confident and focused individuals in life.

More than fifty five years ago, I decided to pursue a career in advertising – when it was a seller’s market and advertising was not even considered a career option. My father allowed me to have my way. A friend had rightly advised him that if your children are clear about what they want, do not interfere. He followed the same strategy with my younger brothers. All of us have done well in life, thoroughly enjoying the careers that each of us chose. We made our parents proud of us, during their lifetime.

Recently I was with a cousin with two teenage children – a boy and a girl. I was amazed to find the excellent rapport that the cousin and his wife had with their children. During the couple of hours I spent in their house, not once did I find them having a shouting match with their kids, for anything. Talking to the cousin, I found that one of the contributing factors for their bonhomie with the kids was the absence of a television set in the house – a major distraction for kids in any home. My cousin and his wife had taken a conscious decision that they would set an example by not doing what they did not want their children to do – so both the parents do not watch the TV at home. If at all they want to watch a movie or a video, they borrow it from a local video library and watch the same with the children on their PC/Laptop . This gives them enough quality time to spend with the kids, interacting with them as friends, rather than as bullying parents. Please remember that bullying parents are greatly responsible for their children becoming rebels.

A quote from an article on the subject by Farida Raj in the Hindu, is relevant here. It reinforces the point I have tried to make on bringing up children. She says,*The parent`s level of emotional acceptance of the child and their resulting attitude towards him/her play a leading role in laying the foundation for the type of personality the child will develop. The attitude of the parents is the most potent conditioning factor in the life of the child”.

The message I got was that the days of children blindly obeying the parents are gone! If you show enough understanding of their problems, be available to them whenever they want you and learn to trust them, children will respond positively. In other words be a trusted friend to your kids. At least one of the parents should assume that role! If that happens, bringing up children will really be a joy!

Joy Of Giving

There are two theories about the benevolence of Goddess Laxmi who is known to bestow prosperity on her devotees. One theory is that she likes to remain with people who hold on to their money and refuse to share it with anybody – the misers as we call them. According to the other theory, Laxmi is generous with people who share their prosperity with other needy people- the more you give in charities, the more you get and I have always believed in the second theory all my life. Though I was never prosperous in the real sense of the term, (never had enough cash in the bank), I derive great joy in little acts of giving. When I find that a small act of generosity has made some difference to the recipient, I feel happy!

When dealing with skilled workers like electricians, plumbers etc, I usually give them whatever they ask for without bargaining – very often a lot more than what they expected. After all, they are experts in their fields and deserve some special consideration. Do we ever question a doctor when he mentions his fee? Similarly dealing with porters, coolies and auto rickshaw drivers, I pay a few rupees more than what they demand, as long as the demand is not outrageous.

The other day I was traveling in an auto from the station to my home. On reaching home, I paid Rs.20/- more than what I had agreed to pay, when I found the driver accepting the money without asking for anything extra. He did not scratch his head and say ‘konjum pottu kodunga saar’ and the happiness I saw on his face because of my spontaneous gesture made my day. Similarly when I volunteer small donations to charities or religious institutions in which a friend or relative is involved; the grateful appreciation I receive makes me happy.

According to our scriptures a wealthy man giving away money in charities is not as big as a deprived man sharing what he has with a needier person. While the generous donation announced recently by Azim Premji of Wipro fame to his Foundation involved in Charitable Acts is really commendable, the news item about an unknown Kalyana Sundaram of Madurai giving away all his earnings to a charitable cause is even more noteworthy. For every wealthy donor there are hundreds of individuals in this world quietly helping others in their own small ways because it gives them joy, a sense of fulfillment.

While giving cash in charity depends on its availability, there is no limit to your time or a kind gesture and love that you can give to others to make them happy. A helping hand, a word of appreciation, a pat on the back, a hug, a letter of thanks to a service provider - all go to make the recipient and giver happy.

Spending quality time with children and grand children makes them happy. Visiting old lonely people and spending some time with them listening to their woes and making them feel wanted in this world, can earn you their hearty blessings. I always tell youngsters that it is not enough if you say that you care. You have to show or demonstrate that you care by being kind and understanding with elders, however irritating they might be at times! A school friend of mine, himself a senior citizen, regularly spends time with elders in an old age home, talking to them and listening to them. While making the elders happy, I am sure my friend also experiences great joy in sharing his time with them.

Another friend who is a very successful businessman believes in offering intellectually stimulating and entertaining programmes, every month to invited guests at his own well-appointed auditorium free of cost and always pre-ceded by a sumptuous breakfast! Food for the Stomach and Food for the Soul! He has been involved in this and other charitable acts much before Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) became a buzz word and I know that he derives great joy in sharing his prosperity with the society.

Undoubtedly there is great joy in giving whether it is in cash or in kind. Give and you shall receive!

Divorces on the rise

The other day I came across a news item regarding divorces. It said that our family courts are witnessing a growing number of divorce cases among the newly weds and couples who are married for a few years, irrespective of whether it is an arranged or love marriage.

While infidelity and extra marital relations in the work place by both men and women is contributing to the breaking up of several marriages, the number of marriages which break up for other reasons is also growing. Incompatibility with the spouse or the spouse`s family are often cited as reasons by girls who want to get out of a marriage. Harassment for more dowry is another contributing factor. Invariably it is the girls who are increasingly initiating divorce proceedings.

What is the main reason for this phenomenon? Undoubtedly the empowerment of women. Today, thanks to the government’s programmes more and more girls are getting educated in all stratas of society. Every girl who comes out of the portals of a college has a dream of her own and has a clear idea of what she wants her life to be. She is also conscious that she has the ability to bring additional income to the family kitty. When she finds that the expectations of the family she is married into are different, she starts rebelling.

If her husband is understanding and respects her feelings then there is no issue. It helps to some extent. But when she is not in a joint family and has to manage a separate house, while also working to support family’s income, she wants her husband to be an equal partner in running the household. She wants him to help her in the kitchen, in the maintenance of the house and also looking after the needs of the children. She is also not willing to tolerate a husband who cannot provide her physical satisfaction.

If the husband turns out to be a person who comes with a traditional value system then there is trouble. Because unlike a traditional housewife who accepted her role as a 24 x 7 x 365 days bonded labour of the family, the new generation woman refuses to be treated like a doormat. She has her priorities, strong views and identity of her own which she would like to preserve at any cost. Even if it means sacrificing her marriage and irrespective of the impact that it will have on her children, in some cases. While in the past women were willing to be the suffering partner in an unequal marriage for the sake of the children, today’s women are increasingly becoming intolerant and are willing to break a marriage to pursue their own dreams

On the other hand men, even those so called modern youngsters who claim a progressive outlook towards life in general, expect their wives to be traditional at home. They refuse to lend a helping hand and often hold the woman responsible for any problems in the family be it domestic issues or problems related to bringing up children. This often leads to conflicts in the family.

No wonder, the number of eligible boys finding it difficult to get life partners, is also growing because girls today are demanding and want to be absolutely sure of what they are getting into when they agree to a marriage.

The other day I met a friend who is struggling to find a bride for his well employed 37 year old son. He expressed shock at the kind of questions the girls ask the boy during their informal chats. They want to know all about the eating, drinking and other habits of the boy, whether he knows cooking , what is his salary and also how many baggages he will bring with the marriage (ie.) a joint family and if so the number of family members who can be a liability. Unlike in the old days when girls shuddered at the thought of being rejected by the boys, today it is the turn of the boys who fear rejection by girls for some reason or the other. If the boy is earning less than the girl he is rejected. If he betrays any sign of being conservative he is rejected. The agony that the parents of girls go through to find grooms for their highly demanding and independent daughters is also a reality today.

Today`s youngsters should know that a successful marriage calls for a lot of adjustment and compromises by both the partners. My generation understood this basic tenet of marriage because of which our marriages lasted for several decades.

If youngsters have king size egos and an uncompromising attitude towards life and are unwilling to make even simple adjustments then surely they are heading towards early divorces. This is the price we have to pay for aping the West. While Westerners are discovering the merits of our family values, by blindly following the West, today`s younger generation is endangering the future of their insecure and often confused children.

Lies , white lies and fibs

English is a peculiar language.  There are many words which have more than one meaning.  Take the word ‘Lie’.  Generally it refers to untruth but is also  used for describing a person stretching out  or a thing (say a bag) lying on a chair.  This article is about the first form of lie.

Lies are also known as fibs, falsehood, falsification, half-truths.  Even exaggeration is considered a form of lying  which many of the advertising guys indulge  in when they are promoting products or services.  Sales people are known not only for exaggeration but also  telling white lies while trying to sell their products.  There is an interesting saying in Tamil which describes the salesman  as a person who has a pye (bag) in his hand, tie on his neck, lie on his lips (kaiyile pai, kazhuthile tie, vayile poi).  A friend who was a successful marketing man in his lifetime described the job of a salesman as one who can tell white  lies with convincing logic.

Apart from ad guys and sales people, others who have to tell lies as a part of their profession are lawyers and politicians. The latter`s  election promises are most often a bunch of lies.  And there are , ofcourse, ordinary people who are congenital liers, who tell lies through their teeth, for no rhyme or reason.  The most common among them  are the habitual borrowers who will tell a  hundred lies to borrow money and equal number to justify why they cant repay.

There is  another saying in Tamil according to which a family can tell a thousand lies to conduct a marriage (Aayiram Poi Solly Oru Kalyanam).  In real life,  however, it does not work. I know of a friend`s friend  who divorced his wife within a couple of months of his marriage when he discovered that his wife who was supposed to be a graduate had not even entered the portals of a college. He refused to live with a lie!

On the other hand a fib is a harmless lie, which all of us use to get out of tricky situations.  Like the fibs that husbands tell their wives or what the students tell their parents or teachers.

I learnt the word from one of my bosses, early in life.  I was a Management Trainee with an NGO before I got into advertising.  The boss was a great disciplinarian who tried to instill  the importance of systems, procedures,  time management and honesty in me.  He also exposed me to the futility  of telling lies to get out of situations. 

This boss  had the habit of visiting the  tables of his staff  once in a while as it happened to me within a month of my joining the NGO. Sitting on my  chair,  he asked me to take out my personal things from the drawer.  Then he  started  pulling out official papers from the drawer which related to items on which I ought to have taken action but had not.  However, I had lied to him that I had taken action.  As I stood  shivering at the exposure and waiting to be fired  he  invited  me to his room for a chat.

Instead of admonishing me  he told me that what I had done was not lying but fibbing. He said,” A fib is a harmless  lie.  But when you get into the habit of fibbing regularly, it becomes a white lie, which can lead you to messy situations”.

I  realized early in life that one  must be extremely clever to tell  a string of lies to cover  up the earlier lie.  The policy of not lying had helped me win the hearts of hundreds of clients that I have serviced  during my long career as an advertising man.  Instead of lying to cover up a mistake,  I would be the first to inform  the client about my  mistake and seek his understanding. He will invariably appreciate my honesty and help me  get out of the situation.

Even if you are not living a lie or lying through your teeth the fact is that all of us tell lies, to save ourselves from tricky situations, sometimes leaving the guilt of our lies, lying heavily on us.

`C` invades our home (part-II)

The Last 24 hours…

The morning of 4th January, 2013 dawned like any other day for Prabha. As usual it had been a very restless night, alternating between bouts of pain and unsound sleep. After a cup of tea and some medication she went back to sleep.

Around 9.30 am she got up and asked my daughter Sowmya to replay the video of my granddaughter Uthara’s maiden Carnatic music concert held five days earlier, on her laptop.

The solo performance was to be a part of the grand dinner get-together I had planned for my 70th Birth Day, and had even booked the Tag Centre for it. Unfortunately the programme had to be cancelled because of Prabha`s health, and she was feeling bad about it. So when Sowmya decided to come to Chennai with her children to spend time with her mother, the idea of having the solo performance resurfaced. We decided to have it at a local Perumal temple on Sunday 30th Dec,2012, in the presence of a small group of friends and relatives.

Prabha was eagerly looking forward to the event and was worried that she may not be able to make it because of her failing health and mobility. I reassured her that come-what- may she would attend the function. On the day of the event a special wheel chair was hired to ensure that she was mobile enough to attend. In the video taken on the occasion, we can see her listening to the programme entranced by the wonderful performance of her granddaughter.

On the last day of her life Prabha listened to this programme a couple of times reliving those wonderful moments.

After an otherwise uneventful day, in the evening she sat on a chair in the dining room and watched her four grandchildren running around and playing. When it was time for them to leave, to my elder daughter Kavita’s home nearby, she insisted on hugging, kissing and blessing each one of them. Even at that point, the family did not imagine that her end would come within a few hours.

Obviously it was in the middle of the night she had a premonition that she was going to leave the world soon. She got up around 1.00 am and asked my daughter to bring a pad and a pen as she wanted to write something. Going through the illegible writing later, I guessed that she was trying to say something about wanting a natural death. Subsequently, this is what she tried to tell me in person.

Around 2.00 am when I came to relieve my daughter so that she could rest for some time, Prabha told me that she did not want, what had happened to a friend`s mother, happen to her. She mentioned the friend by name and recalled that his mother was under life support system in a hospital and was refused a glass of water because she would die if the tubes were removed. I assured her that we would respect her wish and would not put her through such an ordeal.

I also told her that she cannot leave us so soon because she had to attend the Golden Jubilee function of Inner wheel Club of Madras South scheduled a couple of weeks later, as she was a Past President of the Club and they were going to honour her. She gave me a weak smile and said she would try to attend. Immediately afterwards, she asked me for a glass of water which she sipped slowly with relish.

The next two hours I spent with her talking and trying to put her to sleep. She was alternating between hallucination and normal conversation. She kept asking about our son Balaji who had gone to Trichy on official work and was expected back that morning. When she dozed off to sleep, I left Prabha in the care of the nurse and Sowmya and went to catch up an hour’s sleep.

During the hour when I was away she woke up and told Sowmya that she was leaving the world because her mother was calling her. (Her mother had passed away in March 2011 at the age of 89). She also asked Sowmya if she would miss her.

When I came back at 5.00 am and asked her if she would like to have a cup of tea, she said ‘yes’ but insisted on brushing her teeth before drinking it. When I started giving her the tea ,she became angry with me for rushing her into drinking the tea fast and asked my daughter to take over. I did not realise then that it was to be the last admonition I was to receive from her for my impatience.

At 5.30 am, at her request, the TV was switched on and she was delighted to see a picture of Lord Balaji appear on the screen. With folded hands and closed eyes she worshipped the visual. Her piety and devotion gave her strength even at these last moments of her life.

Then she went to the toilet and as she came out she was sweating profusely. I realised that she may be having a heart attack and just as I was considering taking her to the hospital, my son walked in. Her face brightened when she saw him, she held his hands and kissed it and as he supported her with his arms, suddenly her breathing became heavy. We tried to place the `nebuliser’ in position, but she was beginning to lose consciousness. All of us started shouting her name and tried to shake her back to consciousness but it had no effect. In a few minutes she breathed her last with her eyes and mouth open. Prabha was no more…

My daughter, son and I were standing around her when she passed away with the religious discourse on her favourite `Lord Rama` playing in the background.

Prabha did not live to see our 41st wedding anniversary on 26th January,2013.

On our return from Kashmir in April last year, Prabha wrote a very interesting travelogue in Tamil, in which she mentioned her childhood dream of visiting Kashmir one day, becoming a reality. The title of the story was Dreams become a reality and reality has now become a dream.

I realised that the reality of our wonderful life together for 41 years had now become a dream!

I can only live with her memories for the rest of my life.



(This is the second of the three part article I had promised on Prabha. The last article will be on our experience with Adyar Cancer Institute (headed by the Magasaysay Award winner Dr.Shantha) where she was treated. It will take sometime as I intend to research the subject before I write the piece.)

C` invades our home!

It is 1.30 am. As usual I get up to check up if my wife Prabha is ok and needs any help. When I realize that she is not there to share my bed any more, tears well up in my eyes. She has already joined the Lord’s family in heaven, as a Sumangali, leaving me to face the world alone for the rest of my life. For how many more years, only God knows. I thought she will be there to look after me in my old age, to attend to me when I fall sick, take care of my needs and help me leave this world with dignity. That is not to be. Instead, during the last seven months I became a house husband – looking after her 24 x 7 with support from other members of the family. Trying to help her cope with the dreaded Cancer with all the pains associated with it..

While I could look after her physical and emotional needs, I could not do anything about the bone rattling cough she suffered from. There was no way I could take over the pain so that she would feel relieved. This she had to suffer all by herself. During the day time, she had other distractions to keep her mind away from her body, nights were always nightmares. Though pain relievers helped her to some extent, they had a limited timespan. In the middle of the night, she would get up writhing in pain, turning and twisting until the next dose of painkiller started working.

Unfortunately, as it happens with many cancer patients, we discovered the disease very late when metastasis had already set in. Several tests conducted on her, many of them intrusive and painful showed that the primary was located in the ascending colon and the disease had already spread to the liver and lungs. Except for the occasional mild coughs she had during the previous few months there was absolutely no indication of the disease having affected the stomach. Infact she had withstood the rigours of a fantastic, dream come true, holiday we had in Kashmir just six weeks earlier. I realised that there was something seriously wrong, only when I found that she had lost four Kgs in one month, prior to the discovery of the disease, during a routine monthly check up of her weight.

Looking at the CT scan report our family doctor, another doctor from Apollo hospital and three doctors at the Adyar Cancer Institute where she was registered for treatment , said that there was no cure possible because Prabha`s was an inoperative case and the disease had already spread to the lungs. All that they could do was to give her palliative treatment to keep her as comfortable as possible under the circumstances. Even the Tibetian and Ayurvedic doctors I consulted agreed that cure was impossible but they would try to reduce the side effects of the Chemotheraphy with their medication. However, all of them agreed that miracles can and do happen. The whole family lived on that hope.

Prabha went through six cycles of Chemotherapy , at the Cancer Institute, administered every three weeks As one of her lungs was filled with fluid, doctors had to aspirate some fluid from the lungs, before every therapy. This process was also painful. A week after the therapy she was admitted to the hospital for five days for pleural tapping of the fluid to drain as much fluid as possible from the lungs. Again a painful process which helped her almost get rid of the frequent bouts of cough but the pain in different parts of the body continued

Since it was only a palliative treatment Prabha did not have the usual side effects of chemotheraphy like nausea, diarrhea, fever and loss of hair, etc. The doctors at the hospital felt that she had held on well in terms of usual cancer markers during the therapy and wanted to consider the possibility of one more round of tests to check if they could explore further treatment.

Even while we were mentally preparing her for undergoing further tests, her condition suddenly started getting worse. The disease had invaded her bones and brain. She started becoming weaker day by day, finding it difficult to consume both food and medicines. Breathlessness and difficulty in speaking accompanied by excruciating pain in different parts of the body with occasional blurring of vision and hallucination followed.

Doctors at the hospital decided to hand over the case to a Pain Management Expert. We decided to treat Prabha at home, so that she could be showered with all the love and personal care that the family , consisting of my siblings, my three children and four grand children, could give her with the assistance of a full time nurse in attendance. While the combination of medicines helped in making the pain somewhat bearable, Prabha was going down steadily, needing physical help to move around. The whole family tried to keep her in good cheer helped further by other friends and well wishers.

Though the pain management doctor had said that she might live for another two months, the end came within a month. She was a known Ischemic heart patient with high cholesterol and BP, having regular medication for the last ten years. She died of cardiac arrest on the morning of Saturday, 5th January at 6.25 am. This was the second time I saw a patient dying after my father who passed away in 1994 at the ripe age of 80. But Prabha was only 61 and did not want to die.

She was a bold person who fought the disease stoically. There was no self pity, no crying and no `why me?` syndrome. Friends who called on her at home or others who talked to her on the phone were surprised by her positive attitude. Even four hours before she passed away she said she wanted to attend the golden Jubilee function (scheduled on 29th January) of the Innerwheeel club of Madras South of which she was a Past President.

Until the last minute she was conscious. The last twenty four hours of her life on the earth, seemed like a scene from a typical Indian movie. ( To be continued)