Another Bundle of Joy arrives!

Introducing Bhakthi Balaji, a bonny baby girl, born 24th Feb to my son Balaji & Tulse. Their second child and my sixth grand child ( my own resident grand daughter). Describing his dream family in the making for 12 long years, Balaji calls it as an exercise in Thavam ( penance ) and Bakthi ( faith). Unusual but lovely names for his children.

Arrival of a child is always a joyous occasion. Holding the bundle of joy in your hands is a pleasure beyond compare. I had that experience for the sixth time yesterday. My six grand children are aged between ( in ascending order) Bakthi ( 48 hours), Thavam ( 2 years and 10 months), Keshav ( 18 ), Nila (19), Uthara ( 20) and Arul ( 24). With each of my three children (Kavitha, Sowmya and Balaji) producing their own ideal families , I presume that my quota of grand children is over- unless Balaji/Tulse decide to spring a surprise later. Like Prabha & I did getting Balaji six years after Sowmya was born!

On this happy occasion I do miss Prabha, who could have been a great helping hand to Balaji & Tulse in providing support services. I am useless, as at my age, though my spirit is willing my flesh has become weak. Fortunately Tulse`s parents Naresh & Nandhini live close by and have been of great help to Tulse & Balaji. God Bless them with good health.

Please join me in wishing Bakthi all the best in her life and pray god that she continues to bring joy to the family in the years to come!

Salary to House Wives!

In recent weeks I have been coming across news reports regarding the idea of paying a salary to women for domestic work. I think it all started with Kamal Hasan`s party `Makkal Needhi Maiam` promising salaries to housewives  as a part of its electoral campaign in Tamil Nadu

On going through for more details on the internet on this subject  I found that   in 2012, the then Minister for Women and Child development, Krishna Tirath, announced that the government was considering mandating a salary for housework to wives, from husbands. The purpose, once again, was to empower women financially and help them live with dignity. However, the proposal never materialised and with the change in the government in 2014, the idea was put to rest.

This article is not to debate the issue but to tell you how I thought of such an idea  almost 45 years ago. Inspired by what I saw my mother went through to get some money from my father to meet some unexpected  personal expenses during my student days. Because of the perpetual cash flow problem he had in  running a big family with his meager income, my father never obliged her making her feel miserable.

 

 I got married in 1972 when I was in Delhi and moved to Chennai in 1974. By 1975 I was blessed with two lovely daughters. Though I was generally looking after all household expenses and also personal needs of my wife & children, I thought it would  be a good idea to open a separate bank account in my wife`s name and deposit a fixed sum every month in that account.  I thought  she can use it to spend on anything she fancies, without looking up to me every time. I made it clear to my wife that  the money was not to be used for household expenses. It was my idea of rewarding her for  the efforts she was making to run the household. I did not think of it as a salary. Interestingly, she continued to ask me for anything she wanted instead of using the savings in her account. After much persuasion she started investing in monthly chits by some well known Jewellery shop and buy items she wanted when the chits matured. Needless to say she was very fond of jewellery and believed that she was acquiring all those items for gifting to her daughters when they got married. But that did not stop her from buying gifts for herself on her birthday or our  wedding anniversaries and expect me to again settle the bill! It was her way of ensuring that I did not  present her with items she did not like. The look of disappointment  I saw when I presented her with an expensive pair of Diamond Ear Rings on our Silver wedding Anniversary is still fresh in my memory. She was unhappy that I had not taken her to the shop when I went to buy the ear ring. My idea of a surprise gift was not appreciated by her. When she passed away in 2013 I found  a sum of Rs 50,000 in her bank account. What happened when I wanted  to withdraw the amount is an interesting story.

 

The bank manager, who was known to me regretted that I can`t withdraw the amount without producing a Legal Heir Certificate, as my name did  not appear in the nominee column nor was it a joint account. I tried to convince him that I was the only husband my wife had and vice versa - but it was no use. So I had to go through the ordeal of applying for the certificate. After two  months of persistent follow up an inspector from the registrar`s office visited my home and asked to see some proofs of my wedding. Not fully satisfied with my marriage album nor the invitation pasted on the front page of the album, he got my wife`s sister`s number and called her in my presence to confirm that her sister  was my only legally wedded wife. Seeing me looking shocked he  explained.` You see saar!. In Tamil Nadu there are many men with more than one wife and family. If I blindly give a certificate without proper verification and later there is claim from  other eligible heirs I will be in trouble. That is why we have to do thorough checking before we  issue the certificate`. The certificate also mentioned the names of my three children and helped  to close the account and withdraw the amount.

 

Going back to the title of this article, I am all for rewarding housewives with a salary nay a honorarium ( that sounds better) every month for the selfless service they provide to the family.

 

 

 

Value your relationships

`Kutram Parkil Chutram Illai` (If you start finding faults, there will be no relationships)- these famous words, often quoted by my mother, have been deeply ingrained in me. Over the years if I have earned the good will and love of not only my near and dear ones but also thousands of people I have come across in my life, it is because I value relationships a lot. Whenever faced with a situation where I have to choose between continuing a relationship  or cut it off because the person concerned has deeply hurt me by  his words or actions- I have chosen the former,  following the famous adage- `Forgive and forget` Another lesson my mother taught me was not to take revenge on people who have harmed me  in some way.  She used to tell me  “ It is not for you   to teach the guy a lesson . Leave it to the almighty to do that. When that happens and   when your detractor is suffering , don`t mock at him but extend a helping hand”

 It is not easy to follow the advice but I have found  following it has done a world of good to me in my dealing with difficult people. This can happen only if you are able to control your ego. Many spoiled relationships of people can be traced back to ego problems. 

I remember  an instance when I was the President  of an all India body. In one of the committee meetings  a member unfairly accused me of humiliating him by not featuring his name prominently  in a report on some activity. His tone and language were insulting to me. Instead of arguing with the guy  and justifying my action,  I apologized for hurting him inadvertently  and  promised to take corrective action.  I did not harbor any grudge against the guy for insulting me but decided to be extra nice to him in future. This attitude of mine mellowed the guy so much that he later apologized to me for his impulsive action. We continue to be best of friends even today.

I know of another instance where a friend `B` was having a major problem with one of his siblings who would insult and humiliate B for silly reasons. He was basically jealous of his brother`s success in life. B`s wife was constantly egging him to cut the relationship. But B continued the relationship ignoring all the humiliations. Once when the sibling had a serious accident, he went out of his way to help the guy come out of the crisis. This act of kindness by B, transformed the sibling so much that today he is in best of terms with B.

You cannot claim good relationship with people suddenly to gain some short term advantage.  It has to be genuinely cultivated and nurtured with good deeds and actions over a period of time. `Sharing and caring` is the best way to build relationships.  Good relationships can not only help you in your hours of crisis  but also help you in leading a more purposeful  life.

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