Grandparents as baby sitters

 A news item in a leading daily regarding the role of grandparents attracted my attention. It seems a woman, from a broken marriage with two small kids filed a case in the family court accusing her old Parents in Law for not coming to her help, to look after her small kids  because of which  she had to pay for a crèche service. The family court passing its final order observed that ` Grand parents cannot be blamed if the children had to be placed in a crèche . With more women getting educated and employed, it is not an unusual scene that their children are kept in a crèche for their care. It is the prerogative of the aged grandparents  to willingly accept to  babysit their grand children considering their own age, health, strength, engagement in extra curricular activities and other plans.` The court also questioned the prevalent presumption of a majority of Indian families that grandparents are a substitute for nannies.

With growing number of NRI parents in the country, it is common knowledge that they have to provide  IAS (Internatioal Ayah Service as the Nanny  service is popularly known) to their children settled abroad , at least six months in a year. If grand children have two sets of grand parents, they take turns in providing this service. While the grandparents are very enthusiastic in the initial years when they are young and energetic, it becomes painful as they grow old and are beset with age related problems. They begin to shudder at the very thought of making such trips. Unfortunately, many self centered NRIs demand such services from their parents, irrespective of the condition their parents are in.

Recently a friend of mine was a faced with such a challenge. His son, working in USA, had decided to move to Hyderabad on a temporary transfer in his company to help speed up his Green card application. Since his wife also managed to get a similar transfer arrangement, he wanted his parents in Chennai to move to Hyderabad to not only help them to settle down in  Hyderabad but  also to look after the grand children for a year. The request ( nay the  demand) meant that my friend  had to uproot his entire family  of three members to Hyderabad, after settling all the issues in Chennai which would need attention in his absence for a year. He was also very concerned that he did not have any contacts in Hyderabad, which would help him in case of any problems he faced in looking after a household. Besides, his wife’s and his own failing health was also a major concern. However, being a typical Indian parent he  decided  to go to Hyderabad to help his son`s family, hoping that `God will take care of everything` .

With the breaking up of the joint family system and many grandparents with financial resources leading independent lives, it becomes a problem when children demand nanny services from their parents, ignoring their health conditions and priorities. If the parents willingly accept such responsibilities, it is not an issue. For any reason if they are not able to provide such services, it should not be held against them.

As the court observed in the said case, `It is the primary duty of the parents and not the grandparents to take care of their children`.

This article has appeared in Adyar Times issue dt. 2-08, Sep.’18 under my column `Rajan`s Random Reflections`

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